I usually write in my diary whenever I want to shame myself after doing something stupid. After doing a mistake. After saying something I shouldn't have said.
But right now, I'm so angry that I want to publicly shame myself, so I'll just consider that writing here accomplishes that.
I really don't know how I can be this stupid.
I've made the same mistake again, which is not the main problem, because I always repeat the same mistakes, I'm just that stupid. But this mistake is heavier than all others, because it affects other people. I did it two years ago, and it affected my brother, negatively, yet he didn't say anything. And now, it's my sister's turn. I even woke her up to help me. I wish I hadn't. I could have waited for five minutes, I could have checked the deadline before rushing to tell her, I could have analysed the situation like any sane human being would do before deciding on something. But nah, why do all that when I can just be stupid again?
In both times, they trusted me and did as I said, and this makes it worse.
I don't know how to tell her. I know she won't be angry at me, and that makes me more angry. I'm so, unbelievably, horribly, extraordinarily stupid and irresponsible. I wish I could just die, right here, right now. I really shouldn't go on living with this killer stupidity of mine.
And you know what's ironic? Shaming myself never helped. What's the point of guilt if it doesn't help you change? How many times have I decided to change?
I'm sorry.
But I guess my apologies are never sincere enough.
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